Dr. Maly Danino - presents
Third Encounter - Dialogue with the child
Opening and Correlation with the Previous Encounter
In each encounter with the parent in training we will connect to the here and now. The parent arrives after a week in which things happen in his life. He can have new insights on the process he undergoes that he would like to share. May be there was a significant event he would like to share before we begin the encounter?
The coach will summarize the significant issues that came up at the last encounter. There may be a need to revisit an issue that came up in the previous encounter and continue to explore it in-depth.
Discussion Regarding the Meeting between Parent and Child
The current encounter is taking place after the parent has held a dialogue with his child. Therefore, this is an opportune occasion to allow us to incorporate the child's viewpoint, in redefining and refining the initial training goal.
First Scenario: Parent Met with His Child
There are parents who come back thrilled and excited from the meeting with their child. They feel that it has exposed them to many previously unknown regions.
Analyzing the Meeting
Through the contents described by the parent the child will 'appear', thus we get to meet him. We will use our home mission, the one provided at the second encounter, and ask about formal aspects of the conversation, content of the dialogue and Fulfillment of Expectations.
Examining the Dialogue as a "Different" Kind of Dialogue
In order to ascertain whether a different kind of dialogue took place between child and parent, the coach will ask the parent:
Is there anything new you've learned about your child as a result of the conversation with him?
If the parent answers that indeed he has learned something new about his child, we could assume that a dialogue did take place between them. However, if the parent claims that he had learned nothing new, we can conclude that either no dialogue took place or that the parent is unaware of what had transpired and is unable to ascertain what he had learned about his child from the dialogue.
Second Scenario: Parent Did Not Meet with His Child
There could be several reasons accounting for the fact that no encounter had occurred between the parent and child: Some may be technical in nature, others stemming from the parent's apprehensions, which have caused delay and avoidance of the meeting.
Ascertaining the Difficulty
The coach will not 'admonish' the parent for his not completing the home mission. Instead, he will determine the difficulty encountered and will demonstrate trust and empathy, with neither opinion nor censure, in order to assist him to determine his share in the failure to hold the meeting.
Role-playing: Parent = Child
Coach = Parent-in-Training
To demonstrate to the parent-in-training the difference between a typical dialogue and the distinctive kind – the one he is asked to participate in at present – we will perform another role-playing game, where he will play the part of the child, who discusses and describes his struggles, while the coach will play the role of the parent.
Sending Parent Back to Perform Home Mission (Dialogue with his child)
We will ask the parent-in-training to go back and hold the dialogue with his child, and explain to the parent that the key to the success of the process is attentiveness and listening to the child. Accordingly, it is not feasible to skip the dialogue, without which there will be no progress in the process.
Examine Future Picture Described by Child
We will ask the parent-in-training to tell us about the future picture evoked by the child at the meeting between them.
Comparison of Difference between Parent and Child’s Depiction of Picture
We will ask the parent-in-training to describe in words the future vision, as he did during the previous encounter. We will ask him:
"Is there any difference between the pictures? If so, then what is it?"
We will try to comprehend the meaning of the difference from the parent's point of view.
Revisit of the child's Difficulty
We will compare the description of the child and that of the parent in describing the child's struggles.
We then will note the differences between the two descriptions, and seek to understand the meaning of the difference from the viewpoint of the parent:
"What did you consider to be the difficulty in your child's life before the meeting with him?"
"What have you learned from the encounter with your child of which you were not aware till now?"
Defining New Training Objective
We will revisit the training goal, as it was characterized by the parent-in-training and we will now examine to what extent, if at all, the characterization has changed following the encounter with the child. We will formulate it from the parent's view- point as well as the child's, centering on the latter's difficulties.
Centering on an Attainable and Measurable Objective
At this stage of the training process the training goal is, as a rule, still defined in terms that are too broad and general. By honing in on the dialogue between parent and child, we can isolate – out of the general goal as it was phrased till now – a simple and attainable objective that will allow the parent- in-training to experience progress and success. The coach will ask the parent to describe the simplest objective, one which he considers capable of promoting attainment of the larger goal – something he believes he could accomplish successfully.
Home Mission: Attainment of Objective and Its Documentation
Within the home mission framework, the parent is required to advance toward the chosen objective, get underway and perform the task he has outlined. The parent-in-training will document the process and answer the following questions:
Summing up the Encounter
During the last few minutes of the encounter the parent-in-training will answer a set of questions as follows:
What are your insights as a result of the encounter?
Did anything strike you as particularly significant during the encounter?
Is there any specific question you think I should have asked but didn't?
Is there anything you would have done differently?
Is there anything at all that you'd like to add?
Feedback (Re: the Relationship with the Coach)
At the conclusion of this encounter, the coach will examine his interaction with the parent-in-training and how the latter feels at the training space at this time. This would be the occasion to ask the parent- in-training:
Do you feel secure where you are at right now?
Do you have a feeling that I understand you? Or, do you get the feeling that you are not understood adequately?
Is there anything you feel uncomfortable with?
How did you feel till now?
Video text - Third Encounter
In the second session we sent the parent to meet with his child and to conduct a dialogue with him through tools of direct communication. Such communication is eye-to-eye communication, without criticism or judgment. Communication that enables listening, sense of containment, and empathy.
In this conversation the parent will ask the child how he sees himself in the future; the child will actually experience the exercise of imagining the future. This is an opportunity to accept the child's perspective as he perceives and sees himself compared to the image of the future experienced by the parent in the previous encounter.
The comparison of the future pictures provides the parent with a better understanding of the child's situation, the difficulties he faces, his strengths, his aspirations, and his future dreams.
The parent does not always come to the meeting following the dialogue with his child. In this case, we will "invite" the child to the room, create a role-playing game in which the parent sits on the child's chair and the coach plays the role of the parent. This practice will enable experience, feedback, and further preparation for dialogue with the child.