Here you will find answers to various questions you may encounter in each chapter
Question: How do you react to a parent who has not been able to see a future picture and they burst into tears? (Chapter 2)
Answer: There is, of course, the need to have compassion and empathy for the difficulty of "being with the parent." Then it's best to ask the parent to remember and see a picture from the past. It is possible to have pleasant moments that are remembered from his or her relationship with his child as a child. Direct the parent to identify and "give a name" to the feelings he had for the child as a baby; the relationship he had with his child; the characteristics of the child's behavior, etc. And then find out if he can "fast-forward" those same feelings to see a future picture.
Another option (after empathy) is to ask the parent to identify and "name" the child's main difficulty. Suggest that he make this difficulty "disappear" (or ignore it for the moment), so he can see the child without the difficulty. For example: "Who would the child be without the difficulty?" Then have him describe a future picture.
Question: What do I do when I cannot prepare the parent for dialogue with the child?
Answer: Since dialogue is a very important and central tool, we do not give up on the preparation process. It is important for the parent to come to a willing dialogue, after practicing the dialogue with the facilitator using focused communication. We'll work on it at the next meeting.
Question: What if the parent was not able to have a dialogue with the child? (Chapter 3)
Answer: We clarify with the parent what the barrier is. Even if the attempt was partial, we maintain the direction. The dialogue requires focused listening and communication, and is essential in the relationship, so we examine with the parent what can successfully support him, and return to role playing. Then send the parent back to try another dialogue.
Question: The future picture that the parent sees (Chapter 7) is pessimistic, whereas in the second session (Chapter 2) he saw an optimistic picture. What to do?
Answer: A pessimistic future picture that appears during the seventh meeting is a picture nourished by the parent's evolving awareness of the process (nourished by fear, concern, and helplessness). First, listen to the parent and be present with him during these difficult moments. Then it is important to remember and remind the parent that we are "here in the now" and the picture is in the future. Then ask: "What can we do today so we don't reach this picture?" A pessimistic future picture, with all the difficulty involved, represents an opportunity for change.
Here you will find answers to dilemmas you may come across as a coach during a coaching process with a parent.
Question: What happens when a parent comes without having done their "homework"?
Answer: If the parent did not "carry out" the planned task, it is best to ask him to identify the element around which the "lessons" were built (e.g., dialogue, change in response, sharing, flexibility, etc.) and to bring examples, in the topic appropriate contexts, from his ongoing behavior with the child.
Question: Who determines the pace of the work?
Answer: The coaching process is described as a "dance," and the coach leads this dance. The trainer identifies the parent's level in the change process, which he clarifies or challenges accordingly.
Question: How does the trainer know that the training goal is indeed "correct" for the parent?
Answer: The training goal should express an "I" message – focusing on internal behavioral patterns. The training goal should be an "answer" to the parent's main difficulty in dealing with the child's main difficulty.
Question: How to apply the E.C.C when working with a group?
Answer: All the work we do with the group of professionals specializing in the method, is actually applying the E.C.C. in a group setting.
One can work with a group of parents, teachers, or a group of professionals - such as those who work at the sociological-pedagogic center. The entire process can be performed in a group and then the instructions are given in the group, the practice will be done in the plenary session, in an “aquarium” and / or in pairs. One could use different processes as needed taken from the method such as: “The Future Picture”, Effective Dialogue” using closeness enhancing communication, the Empowerment Model and the subject of values
Here you will find insights that will lead and guide you through the coaching process.
Insight: "I have exactly the same problem with my daughter..."
Reference: Then it's not that... It's important to remember that it's not what we know personally. It's not my daughter, it's his daughter. He's the trainee and I'm here for him. It is important to work on the subject in order to succeed to "draw clear borders" between my trainee and me; in this case: his problem with his daughter is not my problem with my daughter.
nsight: The trainee parent reminds me of someone from my family that I really do not like.
Reference: This topic is important to work on during training. In the event that this insight isn't processed and resolved, there is the danger that I will inappropriately project onto my trainee. I might throw irrelevant content at him, taken from my experience with the same family member I do not like.
Insight: The parent's worldview is completely different from mine.
Reference: Remember that our trainee is central. Use my empowerment model to see what can help to "draw clear borders." It is important to remember that the fact that I listen to my trainee and respect him for who he is does not obligate me to agree with him.
Question: How to apply E.C.C when dealing with parents who have children with developmental delay (including children with retardation)?
Answer: The method was developed in order to work with parents in the context of dealing with their different difficulties with their children. However, we always “polish the diamond” within the parent, who is our trainee. Thanks to the child, the parent will change essential patterns in his behavior, after undergoing a process that will include emotional investigation and Insights that he will develop as a result. The pattern that he will change is the one that manages him and most likely to interfere in many aspects of his life.
Therefore one can apply the E.C.C while working with parents of children with developmental delay. In this case we will work with the parent regardless of the child. We will take the parent through the process and as we approach the encounter dealing with effective dialogue through closeness enhancing communication, we will ask him to create this dialogue in order to receive help. The future picture will be his about himself. As for the Empowerment Model – we will work with the parent on his Empowerment Model and for Values – about the important values in his life, including; to what does he say “Yes” and to what does he say “No”.
In fact, Maly and me are completing soon a very successful training program for a group of 24 mothers of children with severe special need, including: retardation, autism and other complicated developmental syndromes.
Question: Is it possible, or is it correct to refuse to accept a person as a client if he/she has problems but do notwish to change anything in his/her life?
Answer: When someone reaches out and asks to go through the process, he is likely to do so out of distress and an urgent need for help. It is always advisable to examine with the client what is the help he needs. The first encounter in the process is to get to know the client and learn about the difficulties he is dealing with, including the main difficulty. In this encounter we will also explain our coaching process and what it includes. This is also when we sign a “contract” with the coachee regarding the coaching process. Parents who come for the process are often concerned about exposure, confused, overwhelmed with guilt, anger etc. They need a kind word, encouragement …, our process in its core aims to lead to a change in ineffective behavior. If we learn that the parent is no willing to change anything in his life, it seems that there is no place for the process.
Question: Did you have such cases when you had felt „stuck “or could not see „any light in the end of tunnel?“ Could you give an example, please?
Answer: We discussed it at length when dealing with the subject of the dilemmas. It is very helpful in such situations to define what do I experience as “stuckness” and to apply the dilemma model as we taught it. For example: when I feel as if “I am out of question”. We said that it is important to prepare for the meeting with regards to its main subject and yet, to be in complete listening to our parent in training and from what he shares with us, clarification questions will come out and we will be asking for examples in order to better understand what he means.
Usually, parents arrive with a feeling of despair, disappointment, frustration. We will be with the parent in the “swamp”, in the first encounter and then we will take him out of it via the future picture. It is very difficult to give a general answer. When there is a defined feeling of “stuckness” it is possible to provide an accurate answer.
Question: I had rather big difficulties to apply ECC with pedagogue. Could you give certain advice, please? Which fields it is useful and meaningful to apply ECC method?
Answer: Based on our experience, the E.C.C method is applied successfully with educator. It will be interesting to hear what exactly the difficulty was in order to provide tools for coping with it. We apply the method with parents, including mothers of children with special needs, teachers and principals from the education system, therapists, education counselors, social worker etc.
Question: Is it possible to apply the ECC for teen-agers with behavior problems? Because if a mom tries „to imagine a future picture“ that’s one issue… It is interesting how a teenager himself/herself imagine this picture. Where he/she would like to be in the future?
Answer: Yes, applied like in the book. The book provides many examples. There is significant learning from comparison made through the process between the future picture of the parent and the teen-ager that thanks to him the parent went through the process.
There is significant learning as well from working on the teen ager’s empowerment model in the eye of the parent and in the eyes of himself, and so in the subject of values
Question: We encountered emotional breakdown during the changing chairs task. The volunteer confided a very intimate example, which made one break in tears. It was really tough to facilitate this session.
Answer: There are many ways to deal with this; first of all, the one who shared with us needs our support. Perhaps this is the first time he has shared, when he shared with us he was an altruist, he met other people and shared their experience of life, We will stop the meeting and ask him whether what he shared with us is related to his personal experience……..or……..
Perhaps not all participants will talk or share but it is important that he say if he helped him. If no one speaks, I as a guide say something to strengthen it and make modeling to the group. It is important for the cohesion of the group and for their work. Simona said that her group had a very sensitive moment when they worked on the values circle - with a participant who said she grew up in a foster care system; she said that the participants share naturally and imitate the guide.
Question: An emotional situation came during the comparing pictures task. One participant could not see the picture of the daughter and started to explain why. It was an outburst of cry and we were a bit stoned to give any correct reactions.
Answer: The book describes three scenes, usually one sees a future picture and in most cases it will be a positive picture, despite the difficulties, because you see the strengths and not the weaknesses But we know that sometimes there will be a pessimistic picture and you can see it in the book In many cases we will ask if they can see points of Light and try to expand them.
When they cannot see any picture, it will mean that they are coping with a very difficult situation and find it hard to get through the day. Today we use different techniques such as video to take them to other places.
The difficulties overshadow the picture therefore he is not ready to see. We will than ask him: who will your child be without the difficulty or the challenge? It is important to tell the trainee that it is o.k. At this point, we want our trainee to feel that we are at the stage of self-discovery, at the stage of emotional inquiry. We do not console our trainee; we are with him and allow him to experience. This can also resurface in other situations; we need to help the trainee to reconnect to himself.